There hasn't been a match report for a few weeks largely because your scribe hasn't been available to play (yeah right, you weren't picked... Ed) and no one has stepped into the breach.
The weather reports were the sort of thing that would send Noah off to his shed but a strong Teuchters XI went off to face the Old Contemptibles at Leith Links in the vain hope that somehow we'd get a game.
As is traditional we lost the toss and were put into bat. The sun was shining, we had (heaven forfend) a full eleven and a couple of spectators came along to watch. Some of the innovators in the team were saying 'play it like a T20... have a bosch, try and skittle them and if it goes wrong we'll be saved by the rain'. The innovators were told to run a few laps of the pitch to burn off these forward thinking ideas.
Richie Bartsch (wearing a canary yellow helmet of all things. Yes, the Fines Committee are aware) smashed the first ball of the innings was dispatched back over the bowlers head. In another world it would have run for four but the council haven't cut the grass. They've spent their money on a stepladder to the moon or some other transportation system that the city didn't want, didn't need and can't afford (that's enough from you... Ed.). The assorted Teuchters were chanting that Bartsch and Grinch run four - it was do-able - but the openers agreed on three.
Next ball the Grinch found himself edging to the wicketkeeper. Calum Robertson walked out to bat and, along with the Skipper, steadied the ship and took us to forty steadily enough.
Robertson looks so free and easy at the crease it is as if he is wearing espadrilles and chatting up a gorgeous European as he slices the ball through the covers.
At forty, on 24 himself, Richie holed out to mid-off. To their credit the OCCC had laid a trap and Richie had walked into it. He was furious with himself largely because the trap was as obvious as one of Wile E Coyote's famous japes.
Dr Eddie Jones trotted out. Soon enough, he was back - a second quacker of the day for the Teuchters and a fourth of the season for Eddie. These scores really aren't like him at all and it is only a matter of time before he hits a big knock for the cause. With the score at 44-3, the unflappable Toby Gardiner wandered out.
He and Robertson, in the rain, took the score on beautifully. Robertson in particular didn't seem to give any chances whilst Tobes began to hit out all around the park. Eventually, as all good things must, the partnership ended with Toby having raced to 40 and Teuchters on 113-4.
On the sidelines, the skipper was chuntering that a score of 140 would be a good one on this pitch - long boundaries, long grass and the pitch was slowly submerging below the water as the rain went from drizzle to lashing down. Grinch and Eddie, umpiring in the rain as punishment for the confit de canard, were signalling for someone to send out snorkels and flippers We continued to play.
Your Scribe walked out to replace Tobes. I heard bets being laid as to whether there would be a duck - the confidence of one's team-mates.
I watched as Calum scored 18 off an over at the other end. This is batting at its finest. Doing hee-haw as the other chap skelps it around the pitch. A true gentleman is young Mr Robertson - he came over to apologise at not giving me a chance. My turn came: the first two balls were played identically through mid-on for four runs. The sneaky captain of OCCC saw my plan and moved a man to that side. Aha, I thought! Space in the off-side!
The next ball was tickled to the wicketkeeper. I looked up to see if the Grinch had given it but the inner sportsmen had made my legs walk off before I knew what I was doing and before the umpire's finger was up. I was, perhaps predictably, sent out to umpire.
The OCCC were bowling slowly or, perhaps, the game on the other pitch was going quickly as they were off for tea when we were still on 32 overs.Holy Cross and Leith FABs were enjoying their sandwiches as we swam around the outfield. The rain was now getting ridiculous. Robertson kept scoring whilst Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ added 9 quicksmart at the other end. The coup de grace Robertson hit a rather glorious six over square leg. One of the OCCC men slipped over.
The umpires - myself and Grinch had a chat. We couldn't see it continuing but it isn't up to us. The captains would decide. Robertson, on 78, put on his sunshades, applied the Piz Buin and wondered what all the fuss was about. One of the OCCC players said he wouldn't come out to bat in this rain as it was too dangerous. The umpires nodded forlornly. The skippers had a chat and we were off to enjoy the teas.
Only the third call off during a game in Teuchters history and an annoying one - with 169 off 34 overs, and with a man set on 78 (indeed, just beginning to open his shoulders), Carpenter just set and a couple of men who can swing a bat in the hutch - we were looking at a decent tally and, if we are honest, with a stronger bowling eleven than a batting eleven. But, well, when you are having to canoe to square leg there's little point continuing the game. Them's the breaks.
A shame also because OCCC are a fine team in all senses of the word - always good company on and off the pitch and give you a game to boot. They, no doubt, would have thought the game was there for them too.
RCM
Monday, 9 June 2014
Sunday, 4 May 2014
A doing in East Lothian
Two games, two skippers, two wins. A fine start to the season for TCC.
It was with some level of optimism that we met at Leith Links before our short drive to Tranent. The mood was lifted further by the arrival of the new set of Teuchters stash. If you don't love kit, why do you play sport? Someone mentioned those eternal words 'All the gear and no idea'. Hmmm.
A last minute call off from PC Sparrow meant we were down to ten men. A calf muscle apparently (a cruel wag would note that said injury didn't stop him enjoying a few beers in the afternoon and putting pictures up on Facebook). This was all noted accurately and fairly in the fines book - as were many other items over the day. Anyway, ten was enough at Hawick & Wilton. Might it be enough once again at Tranent?
The boys at Tranent have put in a huge amount of work to get a square at the Meadowmill Complex and Teuchters had the honour of being the first team to play on the new wicket. From all accounts cricket is thriving along the Forth and there is a huge junior section which, in due course, will feed the Tranent team. It really is great to see. More power to their elbow.
Not only did we get to christen the pitch we got to bowl first - a choice we would have made had we not inevitably lost the toss. The skipper, Richie Bartsch, newly returned from honeymoon, looked like a man who had spent the last two weeks drinking rum and smoking cigars. He didn't seem too bothered to have lost. Perhaps it is because he no longer expects to win?
The pitch seemed in good nick, the boundary short on one side, and massive on t'other. The A1 hummed gently behind us at one end of the pitch. Cockenzie Power Station dominating the other. And, oddly, the ground was covered in fairly large black flies. Thousands of them. No conches were to be seen.
Our bowling started customarily nicely. Our opening bowlers - Nobby, Dr Eddie Jones and Toby Gardiner - keeping the batsman quiet and, at one point, Tranent were 15-2. We felt that they were there for the taking. Alas, a forlorn hope.
Their three and four batsmen played themselves in sensibly. One was put down by James 'Massive Fines' Gray on 10. This was to prove costly. At drinks no further wickets had fallen and the two batsman - one of whom was sporting a rather natty red gilet at the crease - had progressed the Tranent score to 66-2. Chatting away to a few of our players the consensus seemed to be this was about even (they could have scored a few more runs, we might have taken another wicket). Nip and tuck.
Not for long, however. Whatever the Tranent batsmen had at drinks made a difference. The next 20 overs were brutal for the Teuchters. Toby Gardiner managed to pull off a fine stop only to see the ball ricochet into his nose. We were down a man in the field and our bowling was going fairly horribly. Last week we held every catch. This week we couldn't catch the clap in a brothel. The Tranent boys opened their shoulders. Running clearly is unfashionable in East Lothian as they focused their eyes on the white rope. They began to find fours and sixes where, in the first 20 overs, they'd generally found fielders.
All the bowlers - regular and occasional - went for big runs in the blitz until Toby Gardiner finally got the fellow in the red gilet for an outstanding 94 (his partner, who by now passed his century, had been dropped twice in as many overs. It didn't seem to matter any more). A new batsmen, who had been 'next man in', for 35 overs and was promptly out caught to, of all people, Rob Marrs who was only bowling because no one else seemed to want to do so. A tale of two T20s really. 66 in the first 20, 200 in the second. I'm sorry I didn't get to see the scorecard but the two batsmen for Tranent really did bat beautifully. Bowlers who care for their figures should not read the scorecard. Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
The Teuchters, ever the optimists, were thinking of victory. 260-odd is a massive score but there are men in the team who have scored centuries and half-centuries. A win did not look probable but we comforted ourselves that it might be possible.
Our opening batsman, James and The Grinch strode out. We needed some resistance. Don't worry about runs. Just see off Sparkles - the opening bowler for Tranent - who is known around the leagues as a superb paceman. Jimmy nicked to first slip from the first ball. Things got worse. The Grinch and Kipper both got quackers too. If it hadn't been for a leg bye we would have 0-3. Many of you will have read about Wirral Cricket Club's disastrous performance last weekend where they managed to struggle to 3 all out. All our joshing this week looked like it might be coming home to roost*. As it happens, Sparkles wasn't the only bowler we had to worry about - Paul, at the other end, was the definition of accuracy whilst first change bowlers Adnan and Kushaq both bowled well too.
Cometh the hour, cometh the Kiwi. Gardiner, with his nose no longer pouring with blood, walked out and played a lovely innings with Skipper to take us towards respectability. Quietly at first and then somewhat quicker the runs came. Young Toby seems to have all the shots and he was going along rather smoothly until a moment of controversy. A decent ball was bowled and seemed to take a deviation before nestling into the wicket-keeper's gloves. Toby looked around non-plussed, adamant that he hadn't hit it. Newberry at umpire said not out. From the safety of the scorers' table, I thought it had gone through the top of his pad. It is perhaps safest to say that the Tranent keeper wasn't happy and seemed to be having an extended chat with Toby. Perhaps they were discussing the evening's dining arrangements? Or Scotland's constitutional future? One of the umpires suggested afterwards that in fact there seemed to be some inquiry into genealogical matters. These things occur - we've all been the wicketkeeper, we've all been the batsman and we've all been the umpire.
The next ball Toby hit for single which was roundly cheered by the Teuchters on the sidelines. One of the Tranent fielders started shouting at the scorers. We couldn't hear him but he didn't seem particularly happy. The cheering wasn't meant as anything more than a little gentle fun at the expense of a team who were over 200 runs ahead - the cricketing definition of a Pyrrhic victory!
Toby seems to be one of these tough little buggers that the Australia and New Zealand seem to churn out with alacrity. He meets hostile bowling, loud fielders and pretty much everything with a rye smile and little emotion.
As bowlers changed, Gardiner went on the attack. Four, four, six, out. A huge shot to long-on was safely caught by the aforementioned Anderson. It was the right idea to try and motor the score and he walked off with 42 runs to his name.
Eddie Jones went out to continue the recovery only to return shortly after (I didn't see the scorebook but potentially with a quacker). New boy - I think Teuchters' first ever Northern Irishman - David ''Double D Cup' Devlin went out and promptly played a rather nice shot. This, along with his strong fielding, suggested we might have a new talent on our hands. For a player who hadn't played since school it all looked rather easy. He was batting sensibly but, at the other end, we lost the skipper.
Out trudged your scribe, RC Marrs. The stage seemed set for yet another duck in my long Teuchters career. For once I batted reasonably sensibly - defensive shots and, heaven forfend, a leave. DD and I saw our first target as 90 and we managed to get to that with a few singles and, if I may say so, a fine six over square leg off Tranent's rather nifty leg-spinner, Findlay.
With Devlin departing for 2 (and, let's face it, there are twos and there are twos - sometimes just sticking around for a few overs and getting a couple of runs is worth its weight in gold. This was one of those days) I was joined by Matt 'Tavare' Peace.
Dig in!
Matt, so cruelly given out on Tuesday night, gave us a masterclass of proper Northern batting. None of this showpony stuff that the other Teuchters indulge in - no paddled sixes, no thrashes through the covers. Just sensible, obstinate batting. Thou shall not pass. It was - frankly - bloody marvellous.
Peace and I took us to 110 - another precious batting point - before I, having scored some runs off the first ball of the over, got too big for my boots and tried the same shot again (an ugly hoik towards long on). Behind me I heard the sound of the Marrs summer: a gentle clatter of stumps and Scottish accents cheering. 20 runs is better than most of my innings, mind, and batting points is batting points.
Nobby went out as last man and started to knock the ball about the park. Matt Peace digging in at the other end allowed Nobby to edge us towards the next batting point. With two balls to go, Peace was on strike, he was - after 25 dot balls - still on 0. The ball came down. He edged it over the keeper and they ran. He took us to 130 and the Teuchters, despite a sound thumping, could take solace in four batting points and seeing out the 40 overs. Perhaps tellingly, Peace could rest in the knowledge that he might not have scored many runs but he scored quality runs. Proper bloody cricket. Someone promote him to opener.
News filtered through that Selkirk - a team we get along famously with but who humbled us a couple of years (we can't recall if we scored 15, 17 or 19 - none are particularly appetising) - had been bowled out for 20. There but for the grace of God go the Teuchters. In fact, we were worried for a time that it might be us with that sort of score.
A fine and deserved victory for Tranent. A superb batting performance took the game away from us. Whilst the Teuchters may hope for better with bat and ball next week hopefully we can find some solace in the turnaround from 1-3 to 130-8 and that we batted out the overs. In the face of defeat, resolution and grit can help a team develop. I'm sure it will.
RCM
* My local cricket club at home, Neston CC are the local rivals of Wirral CC. So I laughed long and hard. As an aside, do check out their website - the view from the pavilion over Parkgate village, the River Dee and to the Welsh mountains must be one of the finest in the game.
Not for long, however. Whatever the Tranent batsmen had at drinks made a difference. The next 20 overs were brutal for the Teuchters. Toby Gardiner managed to pull off a fine stop only to see the ball ricochet into his nose. We were down a man in the field and our bowling was going fairly horribly. Last week we held every catch. This week we couldn't catch the clap in a brothel. The Tranent boys opened their shoulders. Running clearly is unfashionable in East Lothian as they focused their eyes on the white rope. They began to find fours and sixes where, in the first 20 overs, they'd generally found fielders.
All the bowlers - regular and occasional - went for big runs in the blitz until Toby Gardiner finally got the fellow in the red gilet for an outstanding 94 (his partner, who by now passed his century, had been dropped twice in as many overs. It didn't seem to matter any more). A new batsmen, who had been 'next man in', for 35 overs and was promptly out caught to, of all people, Rob Marrs who was only bowling because no one else seemed to want to do so. A tale of two T20s really. 66 in the first 20, 200 in the second. I'm sorry I didn't get to see the scorecard but the two batsmen for Tranent really did bat beautifully. Bowlers who care for their figures should not read the scorecard. Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
The Teuchters, ever the optimists, were thinking of victory. 260-odd is a massive score but there are men in the team who have scored centuries and half-centuries. A win did not look probable but we comforted ourselves that it might be possible.
Our opening batsman, James and The Grinch strode out. We needed some resistance. Don't worry about runs. Just see off Sparkles - the opening bowler for Tranent - who is known around the leagues as a superb paceman. Jimmy nicked to first slip from the first ball. Things got worse. The Grinch and Kipper both got quackers too. If it hadn't been for a leg bye we would have 0-3. Many of you will have read about Wirral Cricket Club's disastrous performance last weekend where they managed to struggle to 3 all out. All our joshing this week looked like it might be coming home to roost*. As it happens, Sparkles wasn't the only bowler we had to worry about - Paul, at the other end, was the definition of accuracy whilst first change bowlers Adnan and Kushaq both bowled well too.
Cometh the hour, cometh the Kiwi. Gardiner, with his nose no longer pouring with blood, walked out and played a lovely innings with Skipper to take us towards respectability. Quietly at first and then somewhat quicker the runs came. Young Toby seems to have all the shots and he was going along rather smoothly until a moment of controversy. A decent ball was bowled and seemed to take a deviation before nestling into the wicket-keeper's gloves. Toby looked around non-plussed, adamant that he hadn't hit it. Newberry at umpire said not out. From the safety of the scorers' table, I thought it had gone through the top of his pad. It is perhaps safest to say that the Tranent keeper wasn't happy and seemed to be having an extended chat with Toby. Perhaps they were discussing the evening's dining arrangements? Or Scotland's constitutional future? One of the umpires suggested afterwards that in fact there seemed to be some inquiry into genealogical matters. These things occur - we've all been the wicketkeeper, we've all been the batsman and we've all been the umpire.
The next ball Toby hit for single which was roundly cheered by the Teuchters on the sidelines. One of the Tranent fielders started shouting at the scorers. We couldn't hear him but he didn't seem particularly happy. The cheering wasn't meant as anything more than a little gentle fun at the expense of a team who were over 200 runs ahead - the cricketing definition of a Pyrrhic victory!
Toby seems to be one of these tough little buggers that the Australia and New Zealand seem to churn out with alacrity. He meets hostile bowling, loud fielders and pretty much everything with a rye smile and little emotion.
As bowlers changed, Gardiner went on the attack. Four, four, six, out. A huge shot to long-on was safely caught by the aforementioned Anderson. It was the right idea to try and motor the score and he walked off with 42 runs to his name.
Eddie Jones went out to continue the recovery only to return shortly after (I didn't see the scorebook but potentially with a quacker). New boy - I think Teuchters' first ever Northern Irishman - David ''Double D Cup' Devlin went out and promptly played a rather nice shot. This, along with his strong fielding, suggested we might have a new talent on our hands. For a player who hadn't played since school it all looked rather easy. He was batting sensibly but, at the other end, we lost the skipper.
Out trudged your scribe, RC Marrs. The stage seemed set for yet another duck in my long Teuchters career. For once I batted reasonably sensibly - defensive shots and, heaven forfend, a leave. DD and I saw our first target as 90 and we managed to get to that with a few singles and, if I may say so, a fine six over square leg off Tranent's rather nifty leg-spinner, Findlay.
With Devlin departing for 2 (and, let's face it, there are twos and there are twos - sometimes just sticking around for a few overs and getting a couple of runs is worth its weight in gold. This was one of those days) I was joined by Matt 'Tavare' Peace.
Dig in!
Peace and I took us to 110 - another precious batting point - before I, having scored some runs off the first ball of the over, got too big for my boots and tried the same shot again (an ugly hoik towards long on). Behind me I heard the sound of the Marrs summer: a gentle clatter of stumps and Scottish accents cheering. 20 runs is better than most of my innings, mind, and batting points is batting points.
Nobby went out as last man and started to knock the ball about the park. Matt Peace digging in at the other end allowed Nobby to edge us towards the next batting point. With two balls to go, Peace was on strike, he was - after 25 dot balls - still on 0. The ball came down. He edged it over the keeper and they ran. He took us to 130 and the Teuchters, despite a sound thumping, could take solace in four batting points and seeing out the 40 overs. Perhaps tellingly, Peace could rest in the knowledge that he might not have scored many runs but he scored quality runs. Proper bloody cricket. Someone promote him to opener.
News filtered through that Selkirk - a team we get along famously with but who humbled us a couple of years (we can't recall if we scored 15, 17 or 19 - none are particularly appetising) - had been bowled out for 20. There but for the grace of God go the Teuchters. In fact, we were worried for a time that it might be us with that sort of score.
A fine and deserved victory for Tranent. A superb batting performance took the game away from us. Whilst the Teuchters may hope for better with bat and ball next week hopefully we can find some solace in the turnaround from 1-3 to 130-8 and that we batted out the overs. In the face of defeat, resolution and grit can help a team develop. I'm sure it will.
RCM
* My local cricket club at home, Neston CC are the local rivals of Wirral CC. So I laughed long and hard. As an aside, do check out their website - the view from the pavilion over Parkgate village, the River Dee and to the Welsh mountains must be one of the finest in the game.
Wednesday, 30 April 2014
Winning in the gloaming
Before I turn my attention to the fun and games at Leith Links I thought I'd share a picture of Hawick & Wilton's ground from Saturday. I'm thankful to David Jordan for sending it on to me. Grounds, and views, like this should make people want to take up the game. Scotland has plenty of them.
A lovely setting for a spot of cricket
But to our tale!
After a couple of seasons at Leith Academy, Teuchters have returned to our previous home Leith Links for home fixtures this year. It is good to be back at a club that has a functioning bar and where someone, occasionally, cuts the grass. Hopefully the teams that we host this season will fancy staying for a pint after they game where they too can enjoy the splendour of people watch across the links. The sights they will! Les Flâneurs, les boulevardiers et les bons vivants.
Then again, if our opponents don't fancy a pint they will usually get a fair sight of the denizens of Leith regardless. Every second over play is stopped for a jogger, a father with a pram or a hipster on a unicycle deciding to wander across the pitch. Yesterday the game stopped for fully five minutes as a particularly fat chocolate labrador sniffed every blade of grass around deep extra cover as his exasperated owner waited on the boundary.
Our first T20 of the season was against Currie & Balerno. Our only previous game against them saw us getting royally humped in a T20 at the Meadows so there was an air of trepidation amongst the experienced Teuchters. One of their bowlers was wearing a 'Cricket Scotland' shirt. Oh goody.
A new captain was in charge - a veritable reign of terror - in RC Marrs (your humble scribe). I had read my 'Bumper book of cricket tactics for bluffers' and had even worked out batting line-ups and bowling line-ups on a sheet of paper that I hid in the pocket of my whites.
Immediately I joined the pantheon. Teuchters captains never win the toss and I was happy to lose to take my place amongst the greats. The joys of captaincy? I'd made my mind up to bat whereas two elder statesmen were chirping in my ear to bowl. The nagging doubt was taken from my mind by the inevitable loss. A lesson learned? In evening games, always bat first in April in Scotland.
As everyone's favourite French shortarse once said 'Give me lucky generals' and it seems that I fall into that happy number. Not only did Currie let us bat first but I'd intended to start the innings with Stuart 'Parmo' Simpson and Graham 'He hates Christmas' Inch but the Grinch was stuck in traffic somewhere in Leith so I turned to James Gray to open the batting alongside Bundle.
An image to warm the heart of Teesiders everywhere: a Chicken Parmo
The innings started slowly. Nothing wrong with that in T20 as long as you keep wickets in hand. Bundle, after a duck on Saturday, batted nicely scoring a few runs before finding himself back in the hutch. Toby 'Le Jardinier' Gardiner went out to assist Jimmy and was trotting along nicely before having to retire hurt. The collected Teuchters on the sidelines winced when he described 'I could feel cartilage rubbing...'. We stopped him there. A squeamish bunch.
All the while Jimmy was batting. Partners came and went. Matt ''Warren'' Peace - in his first outing since breaking a bone in his hand last year playing for Teuchters - found himself given out in controversial circumstances. Eddie appeared to say 'he wasn't sure' about whether or not Matt had nicked the ball to the keeper and then gave him out anyway. Matt trudged off and reached immediately for his cigarettes. A Truth and Reconciliation Commission will be convened in Teuchters in due course.
The chap in the Cricket Scotland shirt was firing them in. Bowling line and length with a rapid pace meant one end was all but tied up. Happily though the Teuchters by and large kept the wickets to a minimum even when runs were not forthcoming.
The Grinch, having negotiated his way through the difficulties of Leith, went out to bat and supported Jimmy ably. Jimmy batted, and batted, and batted. Four superb fours off one over motored the scoreboard along and, with Grinch falling, two new boys (Seb James and Derek 'Mesmeriser' Brown) came and went. Seb got his first runs on a grass wicket and Derek was run out for a duck in James' furious chase for runs. All our for 112 and a simply fantastic 72 from Jimmy.
Turning to the bowling, with the light diminishing, Katie Price started with that wonderful slingy Western Cape action of his. He and Tobes bowled four nice overs between them for a couple of wickets. The scoreboard, however, was creeping higher than it had during the Teuchters innings. They were ahead of the run-rate. Their batsmen were perhaps a little more confident early on than we were. That is what comes from a target, I suppose, and our bowlers did very well to keep a lid on it.
James, not content with batting us to victory, bowled tightly from the Drunken Vagrants' End whilst Matt Peace bowled three tidy overs from the Dogwalkers' Paradise. Peace was justly rewarded with a fine LBW - three overs tidily bowled and the wicket was the least he deserved.
A lovely setting for a spot of cricket
But to our tale!
After a couple of seasons at Leith Academy, Teuchters have returned to our previous home Leith Links for home fixtures this year. It is good to be back at a club that has a functioning bar and where someone, occasionally, cuts the grass. Hopefully the teams that we host this season will fancy staying for a pint after they game where they too can enjoy the splendour of people watch across the links. The sights they will! Les Flâneurs, les boulevardiers et les bons vivants.
Then again, if our opponents don't fancy a pint they will usually get a fair sight of the denizens of Leith regardless. Every second over play is stopped for a jogger, a father with a pram or a hipster on a unicycle deciding to wander across the pitch. Yesterday the game stopped for fully five minutes as a particularly fat chocolate labrador sniffed every blade of grass around deep extra cover as his exasperated owner waited on the boundary.
Our first T20 of the season was against Currie & Balerno. Our only previous game against them saw us getting royally humped in a T20 at the Meadows so there was an air of trepidation amongst the experienced Teuchters. One of their bowlers was wearing a 'Cricket Scotland' shirt. Oh goody.
A new captain was in charge - a veritable reign of terror - in RC Marrs (your humble scribe). I had read my 'Bumper book of cricket tactics for bluffers' and had even worked out batting line-ups and bowling line-ups on a sheet of paper that I hid in the pocket of my whites.
Immediately I joined the pantheon. Teuchters captains never win the toss and I was happy to lose to take my place amongst the greats. The joys of captaincy? I'd made my mind up to bat whereas two elder statesmen were chirping in my ear to bowl. The nagging doubt was taken from my mind by the inevitable loss. A lesson learned? In evening games, always bat first in April in Scotland.
As everyone's favourite French shortarse once said 'Give me lucky generals' and it seems that I fall into that happy number. Not only did Currie let us bat first but I'd intended to start the innings with Stuart 'Parmo' Simpson and Graham 'He hates Christmas' Inch but the Grinch was stuck in traffic somewhere in Leith so I turned to James Gray to open the batting alongside Bundle.
An image to warm the heart of Teesiders everywhere: a Chicken Parmo
The innings started slowly. Nothing wrong with that in T20 as long as you keep wickets in hand. Bundle, after a duck on Saturday, batted nicely scoring a few runs before finding himself back in the hutch. Toby 'Le Jardinier' Gardiner went out to assist Jimmy and was trotting along nicely before having to retire hurt. The collected Teuchters on the sidelines winced when he described 'I could feel cartilage rubbing...'. We stopped him there. A squeamish bunch.
All the while Jimmy was batting. Partners came and went. Matt ''Warren'' Peace - in his first outing since breaking a bone in his hand last year playing for Teuchters - found himself given out in controversial circumstances. Eddie appeared to say 'he wasn't sure' about whether or not Matt had nicked the ball to the keeper and then gave him out anyway. Matt trudged off and reached immediately for his cigarettes. A Truth and Reconciliation Commission will be convened in Teuchters in due course.
The chap in the Cricket Scotland shirt was firing them in. Bowling line and length with a rapid pace meant one end was all but tied up. Happily though the Teuchters by and large kept the wickets to a minimum even when runs were not forthcoming.
The Grinch, having negotiated his way through the difficulties of Leith, went out to bat and supported Jimmy ably. Jimmy batted, and batted, and batted. Four superb fours off one over motored the scoreboard along and, with Grinch falling, two new boys (Seb James and Derek 'Mesmeriser' Brown) came and went. Seb got his first runs on a grass wicket and Derek was run out for a duck in James' furious chase for runs. All our for 112 and a simply fantastic 72 from Jimmy.
Turning to the bowling, with the light diminishing, Katie Price started with that wonderful slingy Western Cape action of his. He and Tobes bowled four nice overs between them for a couple of wickets. The scoreboard, however, was creeping higher than it had during the Teuchters innings. They were ahead of the run-rate. Their batsmen were perhaps a little more confident early on than we were. That is what comes from a target, I suppose, and our bowlers did very well to keep a lid on it.
James, not content with batting us to victory, bowled tightly from the Drunken Vagrants' End whilst Matt Peace bowled three tidy overs from the Dogwalkers' Paradise. Peace was justly rewarded with a fine LBW - three overs tidily bowled and the wicket was the least he deserved.
The light was fading quickly. The gloaming is a beautiful time of day in Scotland but it isn't great for cricket.
What should the captain do? Turn back to Jordan and Gardiner? There was a risk that the umpires may say it was too dark with the two Southern Hemisphere exocets chasing in. Turn to Peter Sparrow? Having run 53 miles at the weekend (a doctor friend informs me that it is a form of perversion akin to self-flagellation) he didn't fancy running 10 yards as a run up (Note for the fines book: Fine him).
There was only one man to turn to: The Doctor, nay the Witchdoctor, Eddie Jones - no slouch, himself, mind - took over from Peace and bowled perhaps a couple of yards slower than normal to ensure the umpires didn't get their light metres out. The accuracy, though, was absolutely superb and he took a clutch of wickets to swing the game firmly in Teuchters favour.
From the sublime to the ridiculous, I bowled myself at the other end much to Grinch's ongoing delight. Seasoned Teuchters can hear the glee in his voice as he shouts ''just take a yard off it Rob. You're trying to do too much''.
In another era I'd have bowled one and - if we were really stuck two - overs. But with the captain's armband metaphorically on I was getting the full four overs. To hell with Bartsch's tactics and Jones' focus on economy rates: Pies win matches.
A typical Marrs pie. Too little gravy.
In seriously fading light there is nothing quite so deadly as a gravy soaked pie - the batsman's eyes go high, they lose the ball in the cloud, they can't quite believe that anything could move so quickly and then... they see the ball trickling on to their stumps.
Some go high, some go very high. Some go slow, some go very slow. Sometimes they turn by accident adding mystery spin to the mix. Even the best batsmen are spooked by a ball with snow on it. Even the finest players can't play spin on the second bounce. Rarely will you see, in the East Leagues, six consecutive googlies that do not turn. But enough about such tripe bowling. Four relatively tight overs from the Drunken Vagrants' End saw the final wicket fall to Marrs with a juggled catch from Bundle. See Richie? That's how it is done.
A fine win and, as captain (though I did remarkably little), may I take a moment to say how proud I was of the team. Every single one of them contributed to a strong victory. James was the star of the batting whilst Eddie shone with the ball but there were contributions with the bat, the ball, and in the field from everyone. Superb stuff.
Off to Tranent next where we have the honour of being the first team to play at their new ground. Let's hope we can do their new ground justice with a high quality game.
RCM
What should the captain do? Turn back to Jordan and Gardiner? There was a risk that the umpires may say it was too dark with the two Southern Hemisphere exocets chasing in. Turn to Peter Sparrow? Having run 53 miles at the weekend (a doctor friend informs me that it is a form of perversion akin to self-flagellation) he didn't fancy running 10 yards as a run up (Note for the fines book: Fine him).
There was only one man to turn to: The Doctor, nay the Witchdoctor, Eddie Jones - no slouch, himself, mind - took over from Peace and bowled perhaps a couple of yards slower than normal to ensure the umpires didn't get their light metres out. The accuracy, though, was absolutely superb and he took a clutch of wickets to swing the game firmly in Teuchters favour.
From the sublime to the ridiculous, I bowled myself at the other end much to Grinch's ongoing delight. Seasoned Teuchters can hear the glee in his voice as he shouts ''just take a yard off it Rob. You're trying to do too much''.
In another era I'd have bowled one and - if we were really stuck two - overs. But with the captain's armband metaphorically on I was getting the full four overs. To hell with Bartsch's tactics and Jones' focus on economy rates: Pies win matches.
A typical Marrs pie. Too little gravy.
Some go high, some go very high. Some go slow, some go very slow. Sometimes they turn by accident adding mystery spin to the mix. Even the best batsmen are spooked by a ball with snow on it. Even the finest players can't play spin on the second bounce. Rarely will you see, in the East Leagues, six consecutive googlies that do not turn. But enough about such tripe bowling. Four relatively tight overs from the Drunken Vagrants' End saw the final wicket fall to Marrs with a juggled catch from Bundle. See Richie? That's how it is done.
A fine win and, as captain (though I did remarkably little), may I take a moment to say how proud I was of the team. Every single one of them contributed to a strong victory. James was the star of the batting whilst Eddie shone with the ball but there were contributions with the bat, the ball, and in the field from everyone. Superb stuff.
Off to Tranent next where we have the honour of being the first team to play at their new ground. Let's hope we can do their new ground justice with a high quality game.
RCM
Sunday, 27 April 2014
A trip to the Borders
Teuchters' relationship with the Borders is one of near constant humiliation. We were once bowled out by Selkirk for 15. There have been occasions where one of our occasional bowlers have had overs that lasted longer than our innings at Philiphaugh. A player that day texted me (I wasn't playing) to say he had top-scored. Such pride.
So when it was tipping down in Edinburgh on Friday night a few of us were half hoping that we'd get a phone call from Hawick & Wilton saying 'sorry lads it is off'. But such a phone call never came. The city teams often suspect mind games from our rural counterparts - we've got no bloody clue on what is happening past the bypass and there's always the thought that they are having you on and that you'll cancel and give them the points.
In this instance, H&W were resolutely not guilty. The ground was more than playable, they wanted a game and so did we. We are grateful for their good sense. Just to give an example of the sort of thing that does go on though - in one game last year I went to the village of the team a couple of hours early to catch the British and Irish Lions game in a pub opposite the cricket ground. Their skipper was texting our skipper the game was on as I watched a cloudburst! Eventually it was called off but only at 11.30 (around the time we'd have been setting off).
In a moment of 'inspiration' we'd decided to host a club drinks session on Friday night so a few bleary eyed Teuchters turned up at the pub for the trip to Hawick. None of us were really sure where Hawick was. Some thought it was nearer than Selkirk, some thought further away. Every day is a school day.
After a lengthy drive, a few wrong turns, and some inappropriate jokes about idyllic rural locations which are not repeatable on a family blog like this one we arrived at Buccleuch Park - a lovely wee ground in a fine setting just south of the town itself. Scotland is littered with such parks. Someone should go out and photograph them all. As an aside, if you ever want to see true love ask Stuart 'Bundle' Simpson to describe Middlesbrough's famous chicken parmo. Listening to him discuss a battered chicken dish from a chip shop was like listening to Burns' describe one of his lovers. Sublime stuff.
So when it was tipping down in Edinburgh on Friday night a few of us were half hoping that we'd get a phone call from Hawick & Wilton saying 'sorry lads it is off'. But such a phone call never came. The city teams often suspect mind games from our rural counterparts - we've got no bloody clue on what is happening past the bypass and there's always the thought that they are having you on and that you'll cancel and give them the points.
In this instance, H&W were resolutely not guilty. The ground was more than playable, they wanted a game and so did we. We are grateful for their good sense. Just to give an example of the sort of thing that does go on though - in one game last year I went to the village of the team a couple of hours early to catch the British and Irish Lions game in a pub opposite the cricket ground. Their skipper was texting our skipper the game was on as I watched a cloudburst! Eventually it was called off but only at 11.30 (around the time we'd have been setting off).
In a moment of 'inspiration' we'd decided to host a club drinks session on Friday night so a few bleary eyed Teuchters turned up at the pub for the trip to Hawick. None of us were really sure where Hawick was. Some thought it was nearer than Selkirk, some thought further away. Every day is a school day.
After a lengthy drive, a few wrong turns, and some inappropriate jokes about idyllic rural locations which are not repeatable on a family blog like this one we arrived at Buccleuch Park - a lovely wee ground in a fine setting just south of the town itself. Scotland is littered with such parks. Someone should go out and photograph them all. As an aside, if you ever want to see true love ask Stuart 'Bundle' Simpson to describe Middlesbrough's famous chicken parmo. Listening to him discuss a battered chicken dish from a chip shop was like listening to Burns' describe one of his lovers. Sublime stuff.
A new captain - Dr Edward Jones - started the season as if Richie Bartsch wasn't away by losing the toss. We were put into bat on an artificial pitch with a damp outfield. Putting us in to bat seemed the sensible decision so Jones and The Grinch walked out to open the season for TCC whilst the rest of the team got the tabs out. I, in a moment of madness, decided to score and found myself in the scorers' box with one of those chaps you meet on the cricketing circuit - his scorebooks are a work of art and you don't really want to score next to him because he is likely to tut when you ask him 'what's the symbol for a leg bye again?'. We got on famously though as I was tall enough to change the score without standing on a chair.
Out on the pitch it was nip and tuck. The opening bowlers for H&W bowling nicely - particularly Stuart Hair who bowled his overs tidily and each ball caused our men trouble.
Grinch, clearly having had his Weetabix, scored quickly with a nice 17 before being caught off the aforementioned Hair's bowling. Kipper Newberry went in to swash some buckles and helped the score along - Eddie standing firm at the other end. Eddie followed the Grinch back into the pie hut with the score for 62 and Newberry followed ten runs or so later.
Our latest find, Toby 'Green Fingers' Gardiner came out and started with two genuine leaves. None of us has ever played a leave before. Clearly the boy can play. And so it was, Toblerone smashed a beautiful 35 with one of the biggest sixes I've seen in the yellow and blue and a few fours to boot. Jimmy Gray - quite unbelievably given man of the match by the Hawick & Wilton scorer - helped by nurdling along to 13 and then 'the horror'.
Four successive batsman got ducks. Some first ballers (Norbert), some after dogged resistance but an Audi in our middle/lower order was quite something. Here marvel at them. Teuchters' confit de canard.
Four ducks in a row
Hawick & Wilton had bowled nicely and, back in the clubhouse, had put on a quite magnificent tea. The crispy Mars bar cakes were of such a high standard that Jimmy Gray offered to marry whoever had made them and there were a few awkward moments when one of the Hawick & Wilton players acknowledged it was, in fact, him. None of us knew whether Jimmy's proposal had been rejected or the Hawick player was merely mulling things over. I've seen Jimmy's overdraft statement - I'd turn him down.
I saw their game with this fine tea. Noting the average girth of the Teuchters eleven - we pride ourselves on being the widest team in the league - they had assumed (correctly) that we would gorge ourselves on one of the finest spreads I've seen in the East Leagues. We duly did and rolled ourselves down the stairs and out to field.
In Nobby Styles we have one of the finest bowlers in the leagues and we are always grateful for his economy. He doesn't get the wickets he deserves but he always keeps things tight which allows wicket opportunities for others. With James chirping away his usual dreadful chat at square leg (this included a series of extended Mexican impressions yesterday) we bowled tightly for the first 10 overs - conceding 14 runs. Pressure brings wickets and Nobby, and first change bowler, David 'Fire up the braai' Jordan got a couple each. Dr Eddie Jones took a fine catch at gully whilst James took a fantastic one on the deck.
The difference between the innings was that first ten innings. Hawick & Wilton had bowled well but our pressure there probably ended up making the telling difference. Nerves a-jangled when Stuart Hair came in and scored a very fine 37. This came to an end of the bowling of Gray with a quite improbable catch from, yes, you've guessed it RC Marrs at square leg (a one hander at my hip). After that the Teuchters saw out the win bowling out Hawick & Wilton. Three wickets for Styles, three for Bobotie Jordan, three for Gray and one for Gardiner was how the game ended.
A quick beer with the Hawick & Wilton team afterwards - nice to do when you can (and something that should be encouraged) - before our trek home. Thanks to Hawick & Wilton for the game and their fine hospitality. We look forward to hosting them later in the season.
Next up a new reign of terror for the Teuchters. Your humble scribe captains the Teuchters against Currie and Balerno in a T20 on Tuesday. Don't worry, chaps, I've got my ''Bumper book of cricket tactics for bluffers'. I'll be opening the bowling with my gentle pies and opening the batting with my usual unique style.
We go again.
RCM
Monday, 14 April 2014
The trepidations of the season
Well here we are. That glorious time of year again when you begin to get excited about a new season of cricket. To buy a new bat or not? Do the whites still fit? Will some antipodean or other turn up and take my place as 'bits and pieces' player? Can I still bowl the slower one that doesn't turn?
I haven't netted this winter and - assuming the selection gods pick me - I'll be wielding a willow for the first time in ten months this coming Saturday. In my head I have justified this - it'll be alright. Batting is different on a real Scottish wicket - you know the ones where there are lots of mud with bits of wicket poking through hither and thither - than in the nets. I've told myself that my best ever season was the season I didn't net. Post hoc ergo propter hoc.
'They argue with umpires, they cheer when they've won
And they practice beforehand which ruins the fun!'
Nets remove the sword of Damocles from above a batsman's head. He can get out endlessly and still bat. What sort of practice is that anyway? And practice is bad enough anyway. There is something unseemly about it. What was it Flanders and Swann said?
'They argue with umpires, they cheer when they've won
And they practice beforehand which ruins the fun!'
Quite.
That said, hopefully some other Teuchters have been throwing some gravy-soaked pies down at nets whilst other Teuchters have been creaming them around the place. All fine men - strong and true but I will walk out at Hawick and Wilton untroubled by the burden of practice.
Last year the club did well and seemed to miss out on promotion for some administrative reason or other. This blog, I hope, shall provide a view of our journey around the East of Scotland as we battle for promotion.
We have some new players. We have some returning players. We will miss old friends who won't be able to join us. We will be playing out of a new ground. We are one of the last genuine pub cricket teams in Scotland and that means it is a constant battle to ensure new players play for us. Maybe you want to come and join our merry band of pie chuckers and pinch hitters? Maybe you want to play a few games in Edinburgh? Maybe you want to be a social member and meet us in the pub? All are welcome - from seasoned players to people who have never played the game - and we would love to see you.
Our business now is South.
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