Winning in the gloaming

Before I turn my attention to the fun and games at Leith Links I thought I'd share a picture of Hawick & Wilton's ground from Saturday. I'm thankful to David Jordan for sending it on to me. Grounds, and views, like this should make people want to take up the game. Scotland has plenty of them.

A lovely setting for a spot of cricket

But to our tale!

After a couple of seasons at Leith Academy, Teuchters have returned to our previous home Leith Links for home fixtures this year. It is good to be back at a club that has a functioning bar and where someone, occasionally, cuts the grass. Hopefully the teams that we host this season will fancy staying for a pint after they game where they too can  enjoy the splendour of people watch across the links. The sights they will! Les Flâneurs, les boulevardiers et les bons vivants.

Then again, if our opponents don't fancy a pint they will usually get a fair sight of the denizens of Leith regardless. Every second over play is stopped for a jogger, a father with a pram or a hipster on a unicycle deciding to wander across the pitch. Yesterday the game stopped for fully five minutes as a particularly fat chocolate labrador sniffed every blade of grass around deep extra cover as his exasperated owner waited on the boundary.

Our first T20 of the season was against Currie & Balerno. Our only previous game against them saw us getting royally humped in a T20 at the Meadows so there was an air of trepidation amongst the experienced Teuchters. One of their bowlers was wearing a 'Cricket Scotland' shirt. Oh goody.

A new captain was in charge - a veritable reign of terror - in RC Marrs (your humble scribe). I had read my 'Bumper book of cricket tactics for bluffers' and had even worked out batting line-ups and bowling line-ups on a sheet of paper that I hid in the pocket of my whites. 
Immediately I joined the pantheon. Teuchters captains never win the toss and I was happy to lose to take my place amongst the greats. The joys of captaincy? I'd made my mind up to bat whereas two elder statesmen were chirping in my ear to bowl. The nagging doubt was taken from my mind by the inevitable loss. A lesson learned? In evening games, always bat first in April in Scotland.

As everyone's favourite French shortarse once said 'Give me lucky generals' and it seems that I fall into that happy number. Not only did Currie let us bat first but I'd intended to start the innings with Stuart 'Parmo' Simpson and Graham 'He hates Christmas' Inch but the Grinch was stuck in traffic somewhere in Leith so I turned to James Gray to open the batting alongside Bundle.

An image to warm the heart of Teesiders everywhere: a Chicken Parmo

The innings started slowly. Nothing wrong with that in T20 as long as you keep wickets in hand. Bundle, after a duck on Saturday, batted nicely scoring a few runs before finding himself back in the hutch. Toby 'Le Jardinier' Gardiner went out to assist Jimmy and was trotting along nicely before having to retire hurt. The collected Teuchters on the sidelines winced when he described 'I could feel cartilage rubbing...'. We stopped him there. A squeamish bunch.

All the while Jimmy was batting. Partners came and went. Matt ''Warren'' Peace - in his first outing since breaking a bone in his hand last year playing for Teuchters - found himself given out in controversial circumstances. Eddie appeared to say 'he wasn't sure' about whether or not Matt had nicked the ball to the keeper and then gave him out anyway. Matt trudged off and reached immediately for his cigarettes. A Truth and Reconciliation Commission will be convened in Teuchters in due course.

The chap in the Cricket Scotland shirt was firing them in. Bowling line and length with a rapid pace meant one end was all but tied up. Happily though the Teuchters by and large kept the wickets to a minimum even when runs were not forthcoming.

The Grinch, having negotiated his way through the difficulties of Leith, went out to bat and supported Jimmy ably. Jimmy batted, and batted, and batted. Four superb fours off one over motored the scoreboard along and, with Grinch falling, two new boys (Seb James and Derek 'Mesmeriser' Brown) came and went. Seb got his first runs on a grass wicket and Derek was run out for a duck in James' furious chase for runs. All our for 112 and a simply fantastic 72 from Jimmy.

Turning to the bowling, with the light diminishing, Katie Price started with that wonderful slingy Western Cape action of his. He and Tobes bowled four nice overs between them for a couple of wickets. The scoreboard, however, was creeping higher than it had during the Teuchters innings. They were ahead of the run-rate. Their batsmen were perhaps a little more confident early on than we were. That is what comes from a target, I suppose, and our bowlers did very well to keep a lid on it.

James, not content with batting us to victory, bowled tightly from the Drunken Vagrants' End whilst Matt Peace bowled three tidy overs from the Dogwalkers' Paradise. Peace was justly rewarded with a fine LBW - three overs tidily bowled and the wicket was the least he deserved.

The light was fading quickly. The gloaming is a beautiful time of day in Scotland but it isn't great for cricket.

What should the captain do? Turn back to Jordan and Gardiner? There was a risk that the umpires may say it was too dark with the two Southern Hemisphere exocets chasing in. Turn to Peter Sparrow? Having run 53 miles at the weekend (a doctor friend informs me that it is a form of perversion akin to self-flagellation) he didn't fancy running 10 yards as a run up (Note for the fines book: Fine him).

There was only one man to turn to: The Doctor, nay the Witchdoctor, Eddie Jones - no slouch, himself, mind - took over from Peace and bowled perhaps a couple of yards slower than normal to ensure the umpires didn't get their light metres out. The accuracy, though, was absolutely superb and he took a clutch of wickets to swing the game firmly in Teuchters favour.

From the sublime to the ridiculous, I bowled myself at the other end much to Grinch's ongoing delight. Seasoned Teuchters can hear the glee in his voice as he shouts ''just take a yard off it Rob. You're trying to do too much''.
In another era I'd have bowled one and - if we were really stuck two - overs. But with the captain's armband metaphorically on I was getting the full four overs. To hell with Bartsch's tactics and Jones' focus on economy rates: Pies win matches.

A typical Marrs pie. Too little gravy.

In seriously fading light there is nothing quite so deadly as a gravy soaked pie - the batsman's eyes go high, they lose the ball in the cloud, they can't quite believe that anything could move so quickly and then... they see the ball trickling on to their stumps. 
Some go high, some go very high. Some go slow, some go very slow. Sometimes they turn by accident adding mystery spin to the mix. Even the best batsmen are spooked by a ball with snow on it. Even the finest players can't play spin on the second bounce. Rarely will you see, in the East Leagues, six consecutive googlies that do not turn. But enough about such tripe bowling. Four relatively tight overs from the Drunken Vagrants' End saw the final wicket fall to Marrs with a juggled catch from Bundle. See Richie? That's how it is done.

A fine win and, as captain (though I did remarkably little), may I take a moment to say how proud I was of the team. Every single one of them contributed to a strong victory. James was the star of the batting whilst Eddie shone with the ball but there were contributions with the bat, the ball, and in the field from everyone. Superb stuff.

Off to Tranent next where we have the honour of being the first team to play at their new ground. Let's hope we can do their new ground justice with a high quality game.

RCM

A trip to the Borders

Teuchters' relationship with the Borders is one of near constant humiliation. We were once bowled out by Selkirk for 15. There have been occasions where one of our occasional bowlers have had overs that lasted longer than our innings at Philiphaugh. A player that day texted me (I wasn't playing) to say he had top-scored. Such pride.

So when it was tipping down in Edinburgh on Friday night a few of us were half hoping that we'd get a phone call from Hawick & Wilton saying 'sorry lads it is off'. But such a phone call never came. The city teams often suspect mind games from our rural counterparts - we've got no bloody clue on what is happening past the bypass and there's always the thought that they are having you on and that you'll cancel and give them the points.

In this instance, H&W were resolutely not guilty. The ground was more than playable, they wanted a game and so did we. We are grateful for their good sense. Just to give an example of the sort of thing that does go on though - in one game last year I went to the village of the team a couple of hours early to catch the British and Irish Lions game in a pub opposite the cricket ground. Their skipper was texting our skipper the game was on as I watched a cloudburst! Eventually it was called off but only at 11.30 (around the time we'd have been setting off).

In a moment of 'inspiration' we'd decided to host a club drinks session on Friday night so a few bleary eyed Teuchters turned up at the pub for the trip to Hawick. None of us were really sure where Hawick was. Some thought it was nearer than Selkirk, some thought further away. Every day is a school day.

After a lengthy drive, a few wrong turns, and some inappropriate jokes about idyllic rural locations which are not repeatable on a family blog like this one we arrived at Buccleuch Park - a lovely wee ground in a fine setting just south of the town itself. Scotland is littered with such parks. Someone should go out and photograph them all. As an aside, if you ever want to see true love ask Stuart 'Bundle' Simpson to describe Middlesbrough's famous chicken parmo. Listening to him discuss a battered chicken dish from a chip shop was like listening to Burns' describe one of his lovers. Sublime stuff.

A new captain - Dr Edward Jones - started the season as if Richie Bartsch wasn't away by losing the toss. We were put into bat on an artificial pitch with a damp outfield. Putting us in to bat seemed the sensible decision so Jones and The Grinch walked out to open the season for TCC whilst the rest of the team got the tabs out. I, in a moment of madness, decided to score and found myself in the scorers' box with one of those chaps you meet on the cricketing circuit - his scorebooks are a work of art and you don't really want to score next to him because he is likely to tut when you ask him 'what's the symbol for a leg bye again?'. We got on famously though as I was tall enough to change the score without standing on a chair.

Out on the pitch it was nip and tuck. The opening bowlers for H&W bowling nicely - particularly Stuart Hair who bowled his overs tidily and each ball caused our men trouble. 

Grinch, clearly having had his Weetabix, scored quickly with a nice 17 before being caught off the aforementioned Hair's bowling. Kipper Newberry went in to swash some buckles and helped the score along - Eddie standing firm at the other end. Eddie followed the Grinch back into the pie hut with the score for 62 and Newberry followed ten runs or so later.

Our latest find, Toby 'Green Fingers' Gardiner came out and started with two genuine leaves. None of us has ever played a leave before. Clearly the boy can play. And so it was, Toblerone smashed a beautiful 35 with one of the biggest sixes I've seen in the yellow and blue and a few fours to boot. Jimmy Gray - quite unbelievably given man of the match by the Hawick & Wilton scorer - helped by nurdling along to 13 and then 'the horror'.

Four successive batsman got ducks. Some first ballers (Norbert), some after dogged resistance but an Audi in our middle/lower order was quite something. Here marvel at them. Teuchters' confit de canard.

Four ducks in a row

In what can only be an administrative error your scribe was last man. As I walked out the skipper's words were ringing in my ears 'stay around as long as you can'. Sadly, my batting partner - still Toby - said 'let's just hit out and see what happens'. Finally, someone who understands. Two overs and 10 runs for the partnership (3 for me, 7 for him) saw the Teuchters innings close for 118. This was, we thought, around 30 runs short for average for the pitch.

Hawick & Wilton had bowled nicely and, back in the clubhouse, had put on a quite magnificent tea. The crispy Mars bar cakes were of such a high standard that Jimmy Gray offered to marry whoever had made them and there were a few awkward moments when one of the Hawick & Wilton players acknowledged it was, in fact, him. None of us knew whether Jimmy's proposal had been rejected or the Hawick player was merely mulling things over. I've seen Jimmy's overdraft statement - I'd turn him down.

I saw their game with this fine tea. Noting the average girth of the Teuchters eleven - we pride ourselves on being the widest team in the league -  they had assumed (correctly) that we would gorge ourselves on one of the finest spreads I've seen in the East Leagues. We duly did and rolled ourselves down the stairs and out to field.

In Nobby Styles we have one of the finest bowlers in the leagues and we are always grateful for his economy. He doesn't get the wickets he deserves but he always keeps things tight which allows wicket opportunities for others. With James chirping away his usual dreadful chat at square leg (this included a series of extended Mexican impressions yesterday) we bowled tightly for the first 10 overs - conceding 14 runs. Pressure brings wickets and Nobby, and first change bowler, David 'Fire up the braai'  Jordan got a couple each. Dr Eddie Jones took a fine catch at gully whilst James took a fantastic one on the deck.

The difference between the innings was that first ten innings. Hawick & Wilton had bowled well but our pressure there probably ended up making the telling difference. Nerves a-jangled when Stuart Hair came in and scored a very fine 37. This came to an end of the bowling of Gray with a quite improbable catch from, yes, you've guessed it RC Marrs at square leg (a one hander at my hip). After that the Teuchters saw out the win bowling out Hawick & Wilton. Three wickets for Styles, three for Bobotie Jordan, three for Gray and one for Gardiner was how the game ended.

A quick beer with the Hawick & Wilton team afterwards - nice to do when you can (and something that should be encouraged) - before our trek home. Thanks to Hawick & Wilton for the game and their fine hospitality. We look forward to hosting them later in the season.

Next up a new reign of terror for the Teuchters. Your humble scribe captains the Teuchters against Currie and Balerno in a T20 on Tuesday. Don't worry, chaps, I've got my ''Bumper book of cricket tactics for bluffers'. I'll be opening the bowling with my gentle pies and opening the batting with my usual unique style.

We go again.

RCM

The trepidations of the season

Well here we are. That glorious time of year again when you begin to get excited about a new season of cricket. To buy a new bat or not? Do the whites still fit? Will some antipodean or other turn up and take my place as 'bits and pieces' player? Can I still bowl the slower one that doesn't turn?

I haven't netted this winter and - assuming the selection gods pick me - I'll be wielding a willow for the first time in ten months this coming Saturday. In my head I have justified this - it'll be alright. Batting is different on a real Scottish wicket - you know the ones where there are lots of mud with bits of wicket poking through hither and thither - than in the nets. I've told myself that my best ever season was the season I didn't net. Post hoc ergo propter hoc.

Nets remove the sword of Damocles from above a batsman's head. He can get out endlessly and still bat. What sort of practice is that anyway? And practice is bad enough anyway. There is something unseemly about it. What was it Flanders and Swann said?

'They argue with umpires, they cheer when they've won
And they practice beforehand which ruins the fun!'

Quite. 

That said, hopefully some other Teuchters have been throwing some gravy-soaked pies down at nets whilst other Teuchters have been creaming them around the place. All fine men - strong and true but I will walk out at Hawick and Wilton untroubled by the burden of practice.

Last year the club did well and seemed to miss out on promotion for some administrative reason or other. This blog, I hope, shall provide a view of our journey around the East of Scotland as we battle for promotion. 

We have some new players. We have some returning players. We will miss old friends who won't be able to join us. We will be playing out of a new ground. We are one of the last genuine pub cricket teams in Scotland and that means it is a constant battle to ensure new players play for us. Maybe you want to come and join our merry band of pie chuckers and pinch hitters? Maybe you want to play a few games in Edinburgh? Maybe you want to be a social member and meet us in the pub? All are welcome - from seasoned players to people who have never played the game - and we would love to see you.

Our business now is South.